Diary Post 11/11/2017

So, it’s been a legit long time since I’ve written a diary post. But honestly, not a ton has happened. Ok, so we did go see the eclipse in Madras, my BFF got married in Austin, & I turned 31 (insert horrified emoji face here).

But really over the last month it’s been mostly me, packing, & cleaning my apartment in preparation for our BIG move to Colorado

But November has been a kinda weird month. The first week I was wrought with anxiety, not knowing where we were going to live in CO, when I and our stuff was needing to arrive, & how it was all going to happen. Once the finer details of where we were going to live were sorted out everything else fell into place as they always seem to do.

My mantra during those first weeks of November were, “It’s going to ok, because it has to be ok.” This little phrase is what I spoke to myself going to get coffee, walking Asher, or wondering the isles of Target for a change in scenery. #reallife

So another weird thing about November is it’s Lung Cancer Awareness Month. And yeah, so since my grandfather passed away in February of this year from Lung Cancer, I’ve had a few dreams about him. The first was very clearly him making sure I was doing ok, I still get teary thinking about that one it felt so real. The one I had at the beginning of this month was different although I don’t claim the gift of prophesy, I do believe God speaks to us through our dreams.

Great Grandma, Haley and Shelby July 2012

Because of the dream, I’ve thought of him constantly this month. And it doesn’t help every time I make myself eggs, bacon, & coffee for breakfast I get teary eyed- his favorite meal. I guess, in someways, I’m realizing he won’t be there this holiday season. I really believed I would have a hard time on his birthday, which we share, but I handled it ok. This holiday season coincides with the anniversary of his diagnosis & ultimately ends with his departure.

Grief is a funny thing, just when you think you’ve dealt with it, just when you think you know what to expect- it changes.

Haley, Shelby, & Grandpa January 2017

I’ve been much less focused on the gift portion of Christmas and the holidays over the last few years, but remembering the look of joy and happiness on his face during those celebrations reminds me it’s not about presents but presence.

So, with us arriving in Colorado just in time for snow and the holidays I’m looking forward to more visits from family and being more present.

I know it’s something Grandpa would want.

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